I thought I would be prolific
except my inspiration seams to have died.
Yes
words they still fill my mind..but nothing significant enough to inspire me to scribe
Except love and lonliness and the nagging thought that I began this blog to have a place of honesty.
Except honesty
Real honesty..is rarely a easy as we first think
It requires us to searc, and turn a spot light on those dark places in our minds and lives.
The places we'd rather others didn't know exist...it would only confuse their perception of us.
So we act normal..what ever that it.
I need to untangle the twisted,knotted rope that reside inside of me. I need to be honest....if only to myself. There's a bitter sweet sensation in honesty
It is ..what it is....so deal with it.

Sometimes his love doesn't feel real
I hear his words....and although I absorb them like a starving man
something inside me requires he prove it..before I truly believe it.
He says that he loves me...but I know he doesn't know me......neither I him,
I tell him I love him to.
Sometimes I feel like I have to...like I have to say it to someone
I am capable of love..I want to love
So how come it evades me...in reality.
So I love him from a distance
Savouring the memory of the last time we touched
unsure when are next encounter will be that doesn't involve technology.
I want to feel him..his breath..msn can never give me that.
He tries.
And I love him for it. I wake to simple misspelt texts telling me sweet nothings
And I know I plague his thoughts like he does mine.
Could that be love...I don't think so.
We had days..love doesn't take days..love takes life.

He wants me to be the mother of children...he scarcely knows me
And even though I enjoy the fantasy of being anothers, lover,mother, wife
we are seperated by an ocean. Things are far from simple.
But when he looks into my eyes..sometimes I glimpse into his heart..and know that what ever he's feeling ..is real...and I love the humility in his spirit that allows him to share it with me.

6'4 of prime male..he turns me on..I wonder what he will look like when he's old.
This man is tender, yet forceful...there's a calmness about his presence that makes me feel safe he makes me feel safe....I feel like he would protect me
I need to be protected....sometimes just from myself.

Love runs through me...it needs an outlet
So with know reason why...I choose to love him.
Except it doesn't always feel real...even though I hear his voice most days
He is often my first and last thought
Except..I have to question whether what I feel for him is love..or if he is simply a conductor. An outlet for the love that runs through me. We speak different languages, live in different countries, have different religous beliefs. How can it go anywhere....it's too complicated... to plagued with potential pitfalls. Least of all how we can get to spend some time together. Really together. It doesn't feel real..how can it be....except...I hunger for him.
I'm not sure its really him....or just someone for me to love.
Someone who really loves me. Am I using this man to fufil a need in me that goes untended to closer to home. Or is it all the complications and a healthy dose of cynacism posing as realism, that makes me doubt this union. What future does it have....
My time for wasting time is over.
Except I can't deny that I feel something
I don't know what to do about it..I want to either be focused on being with him..or to move on.
I don't want to add another dimension to my already complicated romantic arena. I don't want to lie to him or decieve him.
Is that love....probably not...I just know I dont want to hurt this man.
He has a pureness about him that I don't want to see destroyed by a woman..he has qualities the modern day man have disposed of. He's special.

I wish he was here
That we had met in a different time and place.
Maybe the ocean is a sign that he's not meant to be mine........maybe it's a mountain for us to climb..I dont know.
But it seperates us..I know that. And sometimes my lonliness caves in on me...and I need to recieve,give ,share love.
So I go on-line...and we share a moment..except sometimes it doesn't feel real..as I slide into my cold empty bed yearning for the satisfaction of his warmth. I miss him incredibly.